


Computers in Camelot

by dragonknuckles



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, F/M, Humour, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-12
Updated: 2013-08-12
Packaged: 2017-12-23 07:37:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/923650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonknuckles/pseuds/dragonknuckles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As the title would suggest - imagine the kind of things they could find on the internet.... Honestly this is the crackiest thing I have ever written.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Computers in Camelot

Title: Computers in Camelot  
Pairing: Merlin/Arthur  
Rating: PG-13  
Warnings: Crack. So much crack.  
Disclaimer: Oh if they were mine, I would have found a way to write this in.  
Summary: As the title would suggest - imagine the kind of things they could find on the internet.... Honestly this is the crackiest thing I have ever written.  
AN: I'm back! It's been too long *sigh* it seems a love life of my own has rather been thrust surprisingly (and not unhappily) upon me, so sorry for the little gap of time I haven't been writing fictional ones! Lots more to write (pwomise) and I think it would be helpful to find a beta if anyone's interested! P.S. Sorry if I accidentally stole anyone's livejournal name :P

“ _Mer_ lin, what the hell is that?”  
Merlin looked up from where he was looking over documents on the king’s desk to meet his gaze.  
“What the hell is what?”  
“That thing taking up all the space on my table!”  
Merlin glances towards the table, and gets up immediately as if surprised by the sudden appearance of the thing.  
“Oh that! That is the next big thing – all the people have one.”  
“Alright, but what is it?”  
“It’s called a computer, sire.” The excitement in Merlin’s voice was almost uncontrollable.  
“What does it do?”  
“Well, it’s actually simpler than it looks,” Merlin answered, adopting his I’m-smarter-than-you-so-pay-attention voice, “you turn it on by pushing this button here.”  
“Y _ou turn it on by pushing a button?!_ The same way I turn you on by pushing your button?”  
Merlin went from white to bright pink within a second.  
“No! nonononoNO! You push the button to… activate it. Make it work.”  
“Right, ok, I kind of follow,” Arthur said slowly, “what next?”  
“Next you create a password, so only you can go on it. So let’s make it Merlinisthebest.”  
“Let’s make it Merlinsucksdick,” Arthur argued, “it’s at least more truthful than your suggestion.”  
“Too late, it’s Merlinisthebest now.” Merlin offered him one of his famous cheeky grins.  
“How can I change it?”  
“Oh you can’t, it’s Merlinisthebest forever now.”  
“Liar.”  
Merlin gives Arthur a reproachful look.  
“Arthur, I would never lie to you.”  
“One word, Merlin. Sorcery.”  
Merlin sighed.  
“Will you never let that go?”  
“Not for as long as I am breathing. What next?”  
“Well, there are lots of things you can do. There’s this document thing you can open so you can write on it if you can’t be bothered with quill and parchment.”  
“How am I supposed to write with that thing, the letters aren’t even in order!” Arthur shouts incredulously. The last time he checked, the alphabet went ABCDEFG, not QWERTY.  
“You’ll get used to it I’m sure.”  
“So what else can we do on this?”  
“There’s this really great thing called the internet, I’ve only been on it a few times but I’ve already made a twitface account, or whatever it’s called,” Merlin shrugged his shoulders, “and you can search for whatever you want on it.”  
“Anything?” Arthur asked.  
“Anything.” Merlin confirmed.  
“So what happens if you type in my name?”  
“Alright then,” Merlin types Arthur’s full name into the search box and clicks the button, thousands of results appearing on the screen.  
“What’s Wikipedia?” Arthur questioned, pointing to the first link.  
“It’s this thing which gives you facts about what you search,” Merlin explained, “it’s really useful, I’ve learned more about medicine from it than I have from Gaius.”  
“Go on it,” Arthur demanded, curious. Merlin did as he was bidden, clicking the link and then the two of them falling silent as they read.  
“’Rumoured to be the illegitimate son of Uther’s physician, Gaius!’” Arthur exclaimed, “who in Albion wrote this! I’ll have them executed!”  
“Who’s being executed?” asked a voice behind them, and they both turned around to see Percival, Lancelot, Gwaine, Leon and Elyan enter the room.  
“Arthur got angry because he searched his name on the computer and it said that he was Gaius’ son.”  
“That’s brilliant,” laughed Gwaine, “thinking about it, I can totally see the resemblance.”  
Arthur aimed a punch at Gwaine’s stomach which he dodged, gracing them all with a cheeky smile almost identical to Merlin’s.  
“What else does it say?” Lancelot asked, leaning forward to peer at the screen. Merlin clicked another button that took him back to the first results page, and Percival’s large finger was pressed to the screen, pointing at something.  
“It looks like you have some fans Arthur, CamelotGirl69 has written in this thing called livejournal about how cute you are.”  
Merlin clicks the link and reads aloud the CamelotGirl69’s entry.  
“’So I’m writing on here today to tell the kingdom how I feel about their talk about the king and his…’”  
“Carry on, Merlin.” Arthur ordered roughly, eyes transfixed on the screen.  
“’…The king and his royal advisor’”.  
“Come on Merlin,” Arthur soothed, hand massaging his shoulder, “it can’t be any worse than what we’ve already heard.”  
Merlin looked up at him, and Arthur smiled softly and kissed him briefly and lovingly on the lips, prompting Merlin to continue. Merlin coughed, and read on,  
“’I think that it’s all very cruel. The two of them are a wonderful couple, and it’s not as if it was a surprise to anyone the way Merlin always stuck by Arthur. Of course it makes more sense now that we know he’s a sorcerer (and he’s been protecting Arthur with it, I wish people would stop criticising him and making wild accusations of love spells. This prejudice was supposed to be over!)’ –”  
“At least we know you have some supporters, Merlin.” Lancelot interjected, smiling. He knew better than any of the others the things Merlin had gone through to protect his master and lover.  
“’– but there was never any denying the looks between them.’”  
“See!” Gwaine exclaimed, “even the people caught on before you two did!”  
“I know people are saying that it is destructive to have a king and a king rather than a king and a queen, but it hasn’t changed his ability to rule – Camelot has never been better.”  
Merlin beamed up at Arthur and squeezed his hand, then looked back to the screen to carry on reading.  
“’And besides, as my friends on the slash comms dedicated to Merlin, Arthur and our gorgeous knights…’”  
“I like this girl!” Gwaine interrupted, the others laughing and nodding in agreement.  
“’….would agree, guy on guy sex is hot!’ What?” Merlin practically squealed, utterly astounded, “people find it _hot_?”  
“I do,” Arthur whispered in Merlin’s ear, making his skin prickle and tingle pleasantly.  
“What’s a slash comm?” Leon mused, curious.  
“Here, I’ll open another tab,” Merlin offered, moving the cursor with expert ease to the astonishment of the technically inexperienced knights.  
“Slash comm,” Merlin muttered as his typed his words into – what was that, googly? Goggle? – and clicked on the first link and read aloud, “’a comm, short for community, is a gathering of people; in the scenario of the slash comm, it is an internet gathering of those involved in fan works such as fiction, videos and art. Slash refers to the pairing of same sex couples, i.e. male/male or female/female, or any combination involving at least two people of the same gender.’”  
“I could get into the female/female ‘fan works,’” Gwaine muttered, a devious look on his face which was, quite frankly, perverse.  
“Please tell me that’s not the face you use to pick up women,” Elyan grumbled, causing the group to laugh out loud while Gwaine pouted and crossed his arms.  
“No no no,” Arthur said between chortles, “ _that’s_ the face he pulls to pick up women!”  
“How about you all just shut up,” Gwaine huffed as the others continued to bark with laughter, “and find us one of those slash comms.”  
“I’ll just click the link on CamelotGirl69’s page,” Merlin said, trying to smother his remaining giggles. Which were quickly stifled as they all stared at the screen in horror.  
“I do NOT want to fuck Percival!” Gwaine’s incredulous shriek rang in the silence.  
“Neither do I!” Elyan shouted, quickly followed by a “nor I!” from Lancelot.  
“Well thanks,” Percival huffed, crossing his arms, “I didn’t fancy any of you guys anyway.”  
“WHY AM I WHORING ABOUT WITH ALL OF YOU?!” Merlin squealed, frustrated and nearly faint with shock.  
“Now I have no problem with shagging Merlin, seeing as I do that anyway,” Arthur said slowly, “but that in no way means that Gwaine is allowed to join in.” Arthur squinted, looking at the screen closer, then added, “nor Mordred for that matter.”  
“WHY AM I A PROSTITUTE IN ALL OF THESE?!” Merlin shrieked again, more incredulous than before.  
“Now surely there has to be a line,” Leon frowned, “in this one we all appear to be sharing one bed.”  
“What in the world is with these people and tentacles?” Arthur wondered aloud, shaking his head at the screen, “doesn’t that qualify as bestiality?”  
“Hey now, look at this username,” Leon pointed to the screen again, “QueenMith? Surely that can’t really be…”  
“If that really is Mithian, I’m waging war on her,” Arthur growled. Merlin shuddered, trying not to be turned on by that growl; it was an incredibly sexy sound, a voice Arthur used when he was being particularly rough with him. Apparently this didn’t escape Arthur’s notice, grinning dirtily when he noticed Merlin’s flushed face and tenting trousers. In fact, he was about to order the knights to clear off when Gwen bustled into the room, exclaiming “Lancelot, there you are! I’ve been looking for you everywhere! What are you gaping like a gormless fish for?”  
“Slash comms. Just – slash comms are horrible, don’t go on them.”  
“Oooh why, has anybody uploaded some new ones?”  
The men then proceeded to stare and gape at her, until Elyan burst out, “you knew about these?!”  
“You didn’t?” Gwen answered, patronisingly polite.  
“Please tell me you don’t read these,” Lancelot beseeched of his lover.  
“Are you kidding me? They’re hilarious, and admittedly yes, they can be quite hot,” Gwen answered enthusiastically, “actually, I read this really great one the other day where Merlin was a prostitute –”  
“So I’ve heard,” Merlin answered flatly, whilst the others roared with laughter, “did I end up shagging everybody?”  
“Well, yes, but it was a really sweet story –”  
“Oh yeah, I bet orgies made girls aww like kittens and a ball of yarn do,” Gwaine scoffed.  
“Oh shut up,” Gwen snapped at Gwaine, “you haven’t read any.”  
“No, but I’d really like to get into these female/female ones….” Gwaine trailed off, eyes misting over as he contemplated that delightful thought.  
“Don’t even get me started on those,” Gwen stated nonchalantly, which brought Gwaine crashing back to earth.  
“You’ve read them? Guinevere, I underestimated you, you cheeky minx,” Gwaine winked, eyes glinting.  
“Oh, ew, no!” Gwen shouted, smacking Gwaine’s arm, “it’s just, have you seen who they pair me with? Bloody everybody, that’s who! I’m the female Merlin!” she shrieked, pointing at him for emphasis.  
“Yippee, we can be prostitutes together,” Merlin said glumly, wanting everyone to leave so he could have Arthur to himself.  
“Already been written,” Gwen remarked, as Merlin buried his face in his hands.  
“Well that’s just bloody fantastic, isn’t it,” Merlin grumbled, voice muffled as he spoke into his palm.  
“I don’t see why you’re complaining,” Gwaine reasoned, “I think you’d both make excellent prostitutes,” and the cheeky bastard bloody winked. Which prompted Arthur and Lancelot to simultaneously cross their arms and glare at him.  
“What? It’s a compliment,” Gwaine protested, “I’d pay for a ride.”  
“Gwaine!” Merlin shouted, at the same time Gwen yelled “EW!”  
“It’s a compliment!” Gwaine exclaimed, raising his hands as if in defence.  
“Gwaine,” Leon said gently, “unless you want to provoke the partners of the people you just called prostitutes any more, I would suggest you might be better off getting yourself a computer so you read this stuff _by yourself_ and keep your pervy-ness away from the rest of us.”  
“Oh shut up, you know you were thinking it as well,” Gwaine joked, winking.  
“Good God Gwaine, I have a wife,” Leon grumbled, wiping his hand over his face.  
“See now, how is it _I’m_ always the one who sleeps with everybody when it’s clearly _Gwaine_ who shags everything with a pulse?” Merlin protested.  
“Fascinating as this all is,” Elyan interrupts, “quite frankly I’ve heard enough about my imaginary sex life and would rather like to get myself a real one,” he strode to door, pausing to turn around and say, “I’m going to the tavern, anybody care to join me?”  
“Better than being in here; I don’t want to be around when the tension snaps,” Percival reasoned, following Elyan to the door.  
“Tavern? Alcohol? Women? No need to ask me twice,” Gwaine said joyfully, “Leon? Lancelot? Are any of you lot coming?”  
“I,” replied Leon, “am going home to my wife, who is honestly better company than you miserable lot. Sire.” He nodded at Arthur and walked away, the others quiet until his footsteps could no longer be heard.  
“Rude,” Percival huffed, and Elyan cracked a smile.  
“It’s just because he’s been turned on by all this conversation so he needs Elaine to relieve some tension,” Gwaine retorted, grinning, “shall we go?”  
“ _Please_ ,” Arthur moaned, rolling his eyes and giving Gwaine a shove towards the door.  
“Let’s go,” Percival said on a sigh, putting his arm around Gwaine’s shoulder, “before you can think of anything more inappropriate to say.”  
“Arthur only wants us to leave so he can have sex,” Gwaine called back, “Merlin’s been hard for about fifteen minutes.”  
Merlin squeaked in response, crossing his legs. Gwaine only smirked and winked once more before he was hauled from the room by Percival’s strong arm around his shoulder. There was a stilted silence in the room after they left; Lancelot, Gwen, Arthur and Merlin all trying not to give each other eye contact.  
“So...” Arthur began.  
“All this talk about sex...” Lancelot continued.  
“Yeah…” Merlin agreed.  
“We should…” Gwen suggested, getting off of Lancelot’s lap.  
“Bye.” Lancelot said quickly as he grabbed Gwen’s hand and they ran from the room, Arthur hurrying after them so he could lock the door, as Merlin jumped from his seat and fumbled to unbuckle his trousers.  
“Let’s not tell Gwaine he was right about all this,” Arthur panted as he tackled Merlin to the bed.  
“Never,” Merlin replied, tossing Arthur’s shirt to the floor.

End.


End file.
